I recently attended a lecture by Rabbi Harold Kushner, who’s probably most well known for his best-seller “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” but whose subject this particular evening was his latest book release: “Conquering Fear: Living Boldly in an Uncertain World.”
The introduction caught my attention when it was said that more people have died of fear caused by 9/11 and the idea of terrorism after the fact (anxiety produced complications and deaths) than the number of lives actually lost by the events that day. Wow.
Our Greatest Fear: Rejection
Interestingly, terrorism is not our greatest fear. Nor is the economic recession. Nor is it the reality of aging or the thought of someday dying. We hear a lot of about those things; the news is consumed with those subjects. But, truth be told, the most paralyzing fear we experience is rejection. Or said another way: the fear of what people will think about us. Sounds small, but lives out in huge ways.
Sitting in that auditorium, that observation resonated. How many of my life choices are impacted by that fear? How much of our lives are influenced by the desire to be accepted or the desire to avoid rejection? Even the fear of success and failure have roots in this overarching fear.
Whether it’s doing something to try to get someone to like me or not doing something to avoid someone not liking me. Whether it’s not trying for the promotion, the new job, the business idea development or the sale for risk of failure or pursuing them only to try to gain approval. Whether it’s acting uninterested when I really am. Or acting interested when I’m really not.
Stepping Through the Fear
While many fears stem from our fear of rejection, not all of them do. And while often our fears of what others think say more about us than it does about them, it doesn’t mean those fears are silly or unfounded. Regardless of your fears, we have to keep learning how to step through them.
1) Acknowledge the Fear. The first step to overcoming fear as we consider risks is to acknowledge it’s there. I think it was Mark Twain who said courage isn’t the absence of fear but the mastery of it. Feeling the fear only means you’re alive and that something matters to you. That’s good!
2) Identify what You’re Possibly Risking. Every choice (even the choice to do nothing) has possible losses. List them! What is the worst-case scenario? Answer this question honestly. What do you risk losing in this choice? And importantly, include the fears that stem from some variation of rejection—for there are many.
3) Identify what You’re Possibly Gaining. One must be informed of the risks, but no one risking losing for nothing. What are you hoping to gain? For what purpose are you considering this risk? For some, answering this question will help them determine that even risking their life is worth it for the purpose. For most of us, the risk will not be so costly but they will be put in the right context.
In my business of introducing women to new friends in their area, I see how easy it is for women to focus on the risks: they don’t want to admit they need new friends (fear of what that might say about them), don’t want to risk the time it takes to pursue them or risk feeling awkward or insecure in the process. However, for those who can identify what they might gain: increased happiness, a sense of connection, local support, improved health, more fun memories, deep conversations—they are more likely to take the risks because they so value the gains.
4) Affirm that You’re Not Alone. Confide in someone who will love you no matter the loss or gain from your risk. Surround yourselves with others taking the risks you want to take. Connect with a community that reminds you of why you’re doing what you’re doing.
Risks are in the blueprint of business owners and entrepreneurs. We live in this world. It is not a worthy goal to simply show up without fear—we cannot control our emotions. But it is a worthy goal to glean information from that emotion and learn to step through the risks that we feel will move us toward the things we value.
By Shasta Nelson, M.Div, CEO of www.GirlFriendCircles.com, the only online community of women that matches new friends up to meet in small groups in local areas. She is a life coach, blogger and writes and speaks prolifically on the subject of friendship.
*dice photo is courtesy of Flickr user parl.
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January 28th, 2011 at 10:47 am
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by CRAVE Chicago, Arpen Thandi, CRAVE San Francisco, Jennifer Saphier, Andrea Rocca and others. Andrea Rocca said: Today's blog gives you 4 strength-boosting steps to conquering everyone's worst fear. No, not spiders… Rejection! http://bit.ly/fSYC7A #fb [...]
January 31st, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Such great words, and then I saw what you do. Girlfriendcircles.com. Such an important tool in our tech society. I hope to see more of your guest blogs.